For some reason, God wouldn’t let me move on. My early morning car rides to work started to become an impatient plead to God. “Lord, please make your will be known. Align the desires of our hearts.” I knew God was working in my heart. It was also at this time, after a lot of issues with my desire for intimacy since starting the pill, and after much research, I went off the pill. This decision wasn’t at all one we made considering getting pregnant. We did it as a way to regain the intimacy in our marriage and to help me get back to a point where I felt like I had control over my body. Both of which the pill had completely taken from us.
During this time, my cycle was very irregular, and finding out it was a common occurrence when going off the pill, I was so happy that we had made this choice well before we were trying to start to have a family in hopes that those “issues” would be worked out before we took the leap of faith with trying to have a baby. Once this happened, however, we then both started considering the fact that this was a big jump of faith, because we knew it meant we could possibly become pregnant (even though we were still being cautious).
When the desires didn’t go away after much prayer and reflection…and honestly, just became more prominent and stronger…I knew this was something God-breathed and God-designed growing in my soul. At this point, I realized it was only a matter of time. Time. A word this impatient person isn’t fond of. Justin and I had many conversations about starting a family.
At this point (late 2010) we even started a “Before Starting a Family” list. I thought…okay…if we get it down on paper…make it concrete…once the list is checked off, he’ll be ready. But then God reminded me that His plan is not about a list we created. It’s about His perfect timing. His perfect plan. The list went out the window. Amidst this time…friends started having babies. Friends announced pregnancies. And my mind continued in the “I want to be a mommy” whirlwind. Forget my masters…I could complete it after. Forget being financially stable enough for me to stay home (if that's what we decided on) on paper. I was ready. Justin…still was not…