our road to you (part 1-written from my heart)

There was a time within the last year that I found myself yearning to be a mommy.  Looking back, I know this "baby fever" was completely God-designed.  Justin and one of my closest friends (and maybe my mom was picking up on it), were the only ones that knew about this desire that had been laid upon my heart.  Writing is so therapeutic for me and so one day this winter I just started writing the journey that I knew was leading us eventually to our first child...even though we weren't even at a point of starting to try.  I post this this both humbled and amazed by God's attention to our lives and our desires.  I have chosen to share my deep desires and longings that I recorded, because of how God has played out all the details and it's a story that truly shows His faithfulness to our lives.  I have a hard time being vulnerable...but God has taught me that it leads to depending on Him and His plans.  I am sharing to absolutely, in no way, boast or brag about it being easy for us to get pregnant.  Obviously (from the entire story) you will see this was all God's plan...not ours.  His timing...not ours.  Honestly, I am humbled by how God has worked in our lives and literally have been taken to my knees to pray for those that struggle to get pregnant and are still amidst their journey to a baby.  I write this to simply share my story.  We all have one...and I believe...God wants us to share it to display His glory.

I write this with a heavy heart full of anxiousness, impatience, yet hope and gratitude.  God has been working on my heart in an area I didn’t think he would awaken for quite some time.  Little did I know, he awakened it much sooner than I anticipated.  Justin and I got married with the agreement that we both wanted children greatly.  Never in our minds was it something that was just a “maybe”.  We knew God had always called us to be a mom and dad…and thanks be to Him…He called us to it together.  I cherish and adore this calling.  With that being said, we also both discussed it would probably be about five years before we would consider starting to try to have a family.   

We got married…neither of us considering to be really young parents.  We wanted “our time” together.  Honestly, I think it was so far out in “our plan” that it was something we didn’t wholeheartedly think about or even pray about…for God’s timing to reign over ours.  We knew it would be when Justin completed his bachelors degree and when I completed my masters degree.  Plain and simple.  In reflection, that all seemed like perfect timing.  However, God did something in my heart what seemed like the day I hit 24 (2010), that I wasn’t expecting, and Justin would maybe say he was blindsided by as up until this point, he thought we were on the same page.  I did too.

I don’t know if it was biological (probably) or environmental (maybe), but that clock everyone talks about seemed to awaken in me.  I started to become captive of thoughts about being a mom.  (More so than in the past.)  It started to be something I honestly pictured myself doing (in reality) and literally longed for.  What had been a figment of my way-off-in-the-future imagination, turned to be a real-live-wide-awake desire in my heart, soul, and body.  

I am more than grateful to be married to a caring, patient, kind man.  A man that has always held my heart with tender care and taken every word I say to heart….even when we were just friends.  I am so thankful that God blessed me with a husband that I have absolutely no reservations on coming before and sharing my most deep and secretive desires with after sharing them with my Maker.  I approached Justin with the thoughts I was having in many random conversations.  Poor guy…now that I look back on it. He understood my thoughts.  He understood my longings.  He wanted to be a dad still too (whew.)…just not right now.  That last statement is the statement that would cause my yearnings to become a tad bit dreadful at times.  I shrugged that off for a while, realizing, that maybe I was just letting my emotions get the best of me.  It was my clock.  I should ignore it.  That's what the world says.  Get a grip and move on…